Interview with the Vampires
by HollowPantera
Summary: What would happen if three vampire sat down to discuss their powers and habits? Chaos. Twilight bashing courtesy of Hellsing and Trinity Blood


**In case you couldn't tell from my other Hellsing/Twilight fic, I love bashing Twilight oh so much. So this is another one of those stories so if you are an unfortunate "twihard" I suggest leaving now for your own safety. I do not own Hellsing or Trinity Blood. Or Twilight, though who would want to?**

* * *

><p><strong>Interview with the Vampires<strong>

Three spotlights suddenly turn on and aim towards a large stage as they settle on three red arm chairs. Each of these was going to sit one of the three.

A fourth spot light from overhead shined on the host who held his microphone too tightly as he scanned the rabid audience of fangirls ready to rush the stage. This was obviously going to be a very interesting interview. Blowing a piece of his blond hair away, the host began to talk enthusiastically to the camera. Like he had a choice.

"Ladies and…." A quick look of the audience revealed no gentlemen as far as he could see. If there were any, the host was sure they would forgive him. "ladies, today we bring you the newest sensation in the world of television interviews. Interview with the Vampires!" The hundreds of girls in the audience let out a simultaneous scream of excitement causing the host to real in pain. Quickly recovering he continued.

"Today we have three special guests that represent the face of the modern vampire!"

"_Well at least two of them do."_ More screams. Now rubbing his temples, the host spoke a tad softer to try and quell his impending headache.

"Our first guest comes straight from the Vatican as part of his journey giving seminars on the lives of vampires. Please put your hands together for Father Abel Nightroad!" Hardly any clapping is audible as Abel slowly and somewhat reluctantly makes his way from the right side of the stage. He tries to wave to the crowd in good spirit, but failed to notice a loose wire. The poor priest's foot became tangled causing him to fall forward against the back of his chair.

The audience quickly burst out laughing as the host ran to help a slightly red faced Abel into his seat.

"I'm terribly sorry Father." Abel slowly brushed off his coat as he gave the host a humble smile.

"It's quite all right. It was my fault that he couldn't see where I was going." Giving a quick smile of his own, the host turns back to the rabid and somewhat rude crowd to introduce the next guest.

"_Here's hoping that they get so scared that they shut their damn mouths for just one minute."_

"Our next guest is an agent of the Hellsing Organization and is regarded as the first, true, and most powerful vampire. So give it up for the Ultimate Vampire, the Impaling Prince, the Immortal Alucard!"

The stage immediately grew dark and the audience began to scream with fear and terror, which the host couldn't help but smile at. Soon a blood chilling laugh rang through the building as black and red energy began to materialize in the center of the stage. Slowly it began to shift into that of a solid figure as Alucard fully appeared front and center. His goggle were absent allowing for his scarlet eyes to glow menacingly in the darkness. Once he took his seat next to Abel and was comfortable, the light came back on. However they were not as bright.

"I must say that was quite the entrance Alucard." The host as well as Abel clapped out of awe and approval. Alucard grinned.

"A grand entrance was necessary after the praises that you sang of me. And yes Arthur I am capable of much more terrifying things."

Arthur the host, began to sweat slightly, but could not stop a smile that appeared on his face. Of course Alucard could read minds.

"Just make yourself comfortable Alucard, and please get to know Father Nightroad as I introduce the next guest." Alucard narrowed his eyes as he carefully inspected Abel. The title of Father could only mean Catholic. This only reminded him of that Vatican dog Anderson.

Abel extended his hand for a friendly handshake with a warm smile. Searching his mind, Alucard could not find anything that lowered this man's character. What Alucard found actually impressed him causing the mighty vampire to grin. He was impressed.

"Please to make your acquaintance Alucard." Alucard took Abel's hand and shook it.

"For once I can say that same. Father."

Pleased with the exchange between his two guests, Arthur braced for what was to come next.

"Finally our next guest is what some would call the face of the modern vampire." The screams from the girls began once again with a vengeance causing the poor host to shield his ears. Abel watched with concern while Alucard looked at the crowd with disgust.

"Please out your hands together for Edward Cullen." Arthur barely spoke into the microphone before the girls went into hysterics as the last "vampire" sashayed onto the stage. Arthur fell to his knees holding his ears while Abel got out of his seat to help the poor host to his interviewing stool. Edward casually sat down in his seat which was conveniently away from Abel's or Alucard's.

Not able to withstand the constant screaming from the degenerate humans any longer, Alucard pulled his Jackal out of his coat and fired a single shot into the ceiling. The powerful shot immediately silenced the rabid audience and seemed to reinvigorate the host. Abel sat back into his chair sitting up straight, as Alucard sat casually with his leg crossed over the other. Edward leaned forward with one elbow on the arm rest as he waved to his fans.

"Now that we have everyone here, let us begin." The girls screamed again this time with many audible "Edward marry or Edward bite me" heard. Alucard glared into the crowd silencing a few. Arthur cleared his throat.

"Father, let us begin with you."

"Hey why not me? I'm obviously the most popular!" Edward waved to the crowd to prove his point inciting more screaming. It seemed 98% were here for him. The other 2% were sane enough to like Abel and Alucard.

"Silence you degenerate excuse for a vampire." Alucard's eyes bored straight into Edward's causing him to cower back into his seat. Arthur cleared his throat.

"Relax Alucard." The mighty vampire merely grinned and folded his hands. "Edward we will get to you, we are just going in order." Edward didn't seem to catch the host's sarcastic and venomous tone. He only seemed to think it went in order of popularity.

"Now Father Nightroad, would you please tell us of the vampires of your time period?" Abel cleared his throat and gave a pleasant smile.

"The vampires also known as the Methuselahs are a stronger more superior race than to that of humans." The crowd quickly booed. Abel quickly became flustered. "Only in the sense of nature."

"What do you mean stronger or more superior?"

"They are much stronger and faster than that of humans and have various abilities most commonly appearing in the form of a blade from their wrists. However they are vulnerable to sunlight and various forms of silver."

"So in your opinion Father, these vampires match or are close to that of vampires of legend?"

"Yes I would say that they match fairly well." Alucard smiled pleased. For once he heard of legitimate vampires with unique abilities.

"There are vastly more powerful vampires." Arthur raised his eyebrows in surprise and turned to the crowd who didn't seem to care.

"Who really cares about all that? I'm the only real vampire here!" Edward once again got up from his seat and waved to the audience who screamed. Arthur ignored him.

"Please continue Father." Abel's smile dropped as he opened his eyes and became very stern.

"These vampires are called Crusnik. There are only four, one of which I am." Alucard watched as he became more and more interested. "We feed on the blood of vampires."

Edward suddenly stopped waving and nearly ran for his chair as if stung. Alucard chuckled.

"Pathetic fool." Arthur moved on from Abel to Alucard who was becoming more impressed with this Catholic.

"Now Alucard I'm sure we don't have to spend much time on you. You're arguably the most powerful vampire in existence."

"You would be correct. That is unless the Catholic would like to find out between the two of us." Abel waved his hands in front of his face.

"No, no I really would not like to use violence."

"I know how powerful you are Father. Learn to embrace your dark side more often." Abel's eyes quickly became steely as he locked as with Alucard. Sensing tension, but not evil tension, Arthur reluctantly made his way to Edward who wore a smug look on his face. Abel and Alucard looked to the lesser being waiting to see what sort of blasphemy he would conjure.

"About time you got to me!" Arthur rubbed his temples. Team Edward began to make their displeasure known as they shouted for taking too long on boring as beens when Edward was neglected.

"All right Edward, since you're so impatient please be kind and tell us what you are capable of." Edward threw one of his arms over the back of the chair and crossed his legs in an attempt to look impressive. It only caused the other three on the stage to cringe and the pathetic girls to swoon.

"I am strong enough to stop a truck, can move very fast, have stone hard skin, and I can love like no other." He blew a kiss to the audience causing the first three rows to faint. Alucard and Arthur nearly puked while Abel watched him carefully.

"Is that all?" Edward looked confused.

"What do you mean is that all? That's what a vampire can do!" Alucard growled as he bared his fangs. "I love so much that I can't be without the love of my love Bella. I even don't drink the blood of humans so that my eyes stay this lovely shade of gold."

"You don't drink the blood of humans? Then what do you drink?" Edward was too busy blowing kisses to his slave army. Finally he noticed.

"The blood of animals. What else do vampires drink?" Alucard gripped the arms of his chairs with so much force that they exploded in a burst of woodchips. Abel placed a hand on his shoulder to keep the master vampire from destroying the degenerate.

"What about sunlight? How does it affect you?" Edward rolled his eyes and walked over to the window where he let in enough sunlight to cause his face to sparkle. To further is ill conceived plan, Edward threw off his shirt showing his hideous sparkling body. Now half the girls fainted.

Arthur quickly fell into hysterics as he fell of his chair laughing. Soon his laughter was broken when he felt a great amount of evil energy and anger behind him. Not wasting time to turn around, the host quickly dove behind the cameras to safety. Abel and Alucard had seen enough of this reject of nature.

"Releasing Control Art Restriction Systems three…two…one, approval of Situation A recognized. Commencing the Cromwell invocation. Ability restrictions lifted for limited use until the enemy has been rendered silent"

"Nanomachines: Crusnik 02 - Power Output 40% Activate"

Quickly turning the cameras onto Alucard and Abel revealed the two almighty vampires ready for battle. Or in this case slaughter. A giant piercing red eye opened on Alucard's chest as shadow's and dark red blood swirled around his form. Abel stood with glowing red eyes, pale blue lips, and sharp fangs as he wielded his giant blood red sadistic scythe.

The cameras were then turned on Edward who stood shaking like a leaf.

"You can't beat me, I command an army of rabid fangirls!" Quickly snapping his fingers, the audience of all the Edward fans rushed to his side and began the attack on the two greater vampires. Arthur blinked to get the sweat out of his eyes, and once they re-opened he found himself in the field of dead bodies and a sea of blood. They had been torn to pieces in a fraction of a second!

"Such a lovely sight isn't Father? So much fresh blood and one sniveling sheep ready for the slaughter."

"I agree. What shall we do with him?" Abel raised his scythe which screamed with the anguish of past victims. Alucard and Abel cornered the pathetic insect as he kneeled before them. Alucard picked up by the throat and held him high over the blade of Abel's scythe.

"Why don't we see just how tough his skin is? I'd love to see just how long he can survive." Alucard began his wicked laugh as he slowly began to push Edwards body against the wicked blade of the scythe. Abel began to laugh as well as he dragged the blade up. Edward could only scream like a little girl.

Arthur looked into the camera ecstatic as the Abel and Alucard fans cheered in triumph.

"Tune in within the hour to see just how Abel and Alucard finish their torture on Edward!"

* * *

><p><strong>Just like it says, don't go away, because I'll be back soon with another one dedicated to the sole torture and long death of our least favorite vam... i mean fairy. ; )<strong>


End file.
